Hey, Look. Downtown.

Four In The Morning

2010-02-16T04:36:00.000-06:00

I'm sure that most of us have been in that little whirlpool regarding our lives. Yes, the one where we're sucked into not knowing which path to take and what to do about this, that, and the other. Well, once again, I'm there, and frankly, I'm getting kinda dizzy.

I've grown pretty tired of the community college scene. Nothing against it, but damn, I hate it. I hate waiting to break loose and go for the things I'd love to do. Pretty sure I need a change of pace. I sit in some classes and wonder, "Why am I here, I hate it here. I could be off somewhere else doing something I love, but instead, I'm giving myself a headache because I don't know how to do fractions." So, I've made a choice. I'm transferring credits (but keeping a transcript, in case I should go back.. always have a backup, kids.) and I'm going to culinary arts school. There are alot of things I have a passion for (cooking, acting, music, good hair), and I'm not catering to any of those needs (yes, I see the potential for a foods-related pun there.) where I am. So, I'm taking charge of what I want and I'm going for it.

This sudden change in my course of life probably means I'm gonna have to move out sooner than I thought, so I'm gonna need a roommate sooner than I thought. I hate the idea of living alone. I can't even stand being alone for long periods of time. Hell, I couldn't hack the drive back to Kansas City from Oklahoma City without stopping somewhere and chatting with a stranger about the weather (toothless old guys in Joplin actually have a pretty good sense of humor.) I'm moving downtown off of 11th and Grand, so that'll be an adventure. I can't wait for it, but the furniture part's gonna suck. Anyone that would love to get rid of some couches and things, totally lemme know. Meanwhile.. garage sales, folks. I frickin' love garage sales. Ever since I was a little kid, I mean, I grew up in thrift stores and on garage sale driveways. It's so easy, really. The only thing I'll buy new is a mattress. Ain't want nobody's dead babies on my sheets (things that make you go.. ecghh.) SO. I have alot to consider, and alot to take in. Thoughts?

City Dreamer

2010-02-05T13:13:00.002-06:00

This whole week has been pretty exciting, actually. Monday and Tuesday were essentially sarcastic angsty teenager days that I was so used to back in the day, but for some reason, I felt a spark that told me that this has to turn around somehow. I kinda just let every little detail do it's own thing and let someone else drive for a while. No worries, I always wear a seatbelt. Wednesday was a short day in school, which I'm entirely grateful for, and the previous day (Tuesday), I met a friend of mine and his brother with their redhead midget friend downtown at my favorite little hipster hideout. Straight people (straight guys, really) always make me feel weird, like I have to cross a language barrier of specific grunts, groans, and ball-scratching and conserve any glow-mosexual vibes I might be radiating. When did having a different sexual identity become so complicated? Anywho.

After an odd whirlwind tour of downtown (because these kids have been caged in suburbia for ages on end, so wow! It's a city! Nothing's shrink-wrapped in vinyl and marketed for a pseudo-nuclear family with 2.5 kids and a warped plastic picket fence!), I spent a good chunk of time loitering back at the snack bar with darling Ruby. I adore the girl, really. She's spunky and quirky, something you can't find outside of a scripted independent film much. Of course, it was after hours and I felt the strange need to help with whatever chores needed to be done when closing up shop. I dunno, I just feel like a moochy slacker if I don't somehow pitch in. Day change, it's Wednesday. Another short day, which is considerably better than other days. Again, I meet with Jeremy and we're running around downtown. It's a pattern, really, spending my time in downtown driving the streets finding little adventures in which to get ourselves wrapped up.. which is precisely what happened that night.

Westport Coffeehouse. Not a place I usually hang around, but eh. It was a change of scene. There's a theater attached to the downstairs section of this little joint, and inside, a big commotion was taking place. Upon wandering down the creaky wooden stairs, I found a large crowd of strangers assimilating into groups. After questioning a strange but attractive man, we discovered that the local IFC (Independent Filmmakers Association) was holding a blind casting call for five different indie films being shot around the area. I think "Hey, it'll be a great project for my acting class if I kick it and watch how this all goes down.", and so I do. I was asked if I intended to sign up, I said "Sure, why the hell not." Jeremy was apprehensive and somewhat off put by the idea, and I asked him if there was any better idea he had. HA! Of course you don't. Let's check this out.

I'm taking mental notes as these promising young actors, actresses, and tech kids are pulled into different projects. I did not expect (but I secretly hoped) to be cast into anything, as there were some people from pretty prestigious places gunning for roles for which they had worked quite arduously. When a director and producer chose Jeremy and I, I was astounded and in somewhat of a disbelief. We were cheered on for just popping in off the street and jumping into this, and I thought it was amazingly coincidental. Perhaps it is about being at the right place at the right time. So I was called up to oversee sound and grip while doing artistic direction and production assistance. I saw this as the start to something big, something I needed to show me that I can in fact pursue something I've let smolder in the back of my mind since grade school. This truly is something big to me, something I do, in fact dream about. Shut up.

I remember a little snippet of something each time someone talks down on my aspirations: "The ones that scoff at your dreams are the ones that have already given up on theirs."

Pre-production starts soon, as today, they're scouting locations. Shooting is to begin within the week, and I really am excited. Thursday was a pretty awesome day as well, just full of friends and coffee like usual. And good shopping! Ah, outfits. My gay vice realized. Tonight is First Fridays, an art street fair in downtown, something I attend each month religiously. You never know what could happen there, because something is always happening beneath the towers of the city. It's up to you to find out what.

White Winter Hymnal

2010-01-30T19:54:00.002-06:00

I suppose it's not exactly something about which I should be surprised. Fridays tend to be strange days for me, and yesterday was no exception.

Like usual, I was running late for class. No big deal, except I had to deliver a speech over an article I found in some sort of periodical. Hmm. What half-assed, bullshit college scheme could I concoct to remedy this situation? There wasn't much to do other than grab the day's copy of Kansas City's Ink and thumb around for a relevant subject. I decided to speak over the cover story, which was about local couples' choices of marriage locations, and how they were moving from the chapel to some strange places. Strange, but cool nonetheless. Class was short, but I was okay with that. I had things to do that day.

It was bitterly cold, the kind of cold that stung your face and made your nose run if you were the unfortunate soul that had to trek back to your car facing the wind. I had some time to kill, so I headed downtown like I always do when I'm just out driving. I love the view from 169 South, the city looks so inviting. I noticed a car behind me, and it looked oddly familiar. I thought it was my old boss from a recent job, but I wasn't too sure. I knew she went to school by downtown, so it would make sense with her being there, but I didn't give it much more thought. Having been sick, I haven't smoked much, but with me feeling better, I can't not do so. Driving into the garment district, I lit up as I passed loft after loft, chic office buildings and classic SoHo inspired restaurants and clubs. I made my way past the convention center with it's Hiltons and Marriots on my way into the Crossroads district, where I knew many a comfy hideout amongst the city's bohemian artists and humble hippies. After a coffee fix and a short read, I started South for a scheduled lunch with a guy that either could or could not have been an interest. Either way, I was looking forward to it. Minutes before I left, it began to snow.

Why did it have to snow. Really? After the five blizzards we've endured since December, you think the allotted snowfall would've previously been depleted. But this is the Midwest. Anything goes as far as the weather's concerned. I made my way out of the city and onto the freeway into the Kingdom of Suburbia otherwise known as Johnson County. I can't stand the place, with it's unoriginal strip malls and cookie-cutter vinyl-clad subdivisions with meant-to-be inspirational polished bronze names tacked onto brick walls at the appropriately-placed entrances. No, this is not Rolling Meadows. This is Crumbling Sheetrock, and you're not fooling anyone. Anyhow, I digress. Now, I had heard oh-so-much from the aforementioned guy about this place to which I was headed, about how comfortable it was and how delightful the food is, so I had high expectations as I drove through the drifting powder further South passing ever-increasing numbered streets and one annexed shopping center after another, making excellent time.

Five to noon, early but acceptable. Yes, I was late to school. Whatever, my own accord. But dammit, if there's one thing I can't stand about appointments, it's being late to them. I call to check up, no answer. I wait, call to check up again, no answer. Before I get flustered, I text. I wait. I wait more. I smoke. No response. I let it go and I start driving. Despite their efforts, people do arrive late, and I make room for such exceptions. I tour the three-story apartments behind the conveniently-placed strip mall that this "cafè" was stacked into. I arrive nearly ten after twelve once more, and I try to call one final time, and still, no answer. Before I go berserk, I try to dispel any possibility. Left his phone in the car? Sure. I go inside and have a look around. No show. I'm not gonna be some pathetic loser who waits and longs for someone who doesn't give a rat's ass about showing, so eh. Fuck it.

Call to Jeremy Todd:
Me: "Hey. I got stood up. Wanna grab a bite to eat?"
Him: "Huh?"
Me: "I'm not repeating it. I'm coming over."
Him: "Okay. What are we doing again?"
Me: "Food."
Him: "Broke."
Me: "McDonalds. Be a cheap date and order from the dollar menu."
Him: "Cool. I'm feelin' Taco Bell instead."
Me: "Whatever. I'll be there in five. Be ready."
Him: "Cool."

What did I think? It was shit, Jeremy. It was a dick thing to do and I was unimpressed and slightly offended. I hate spending more time in suburban exodus than I absolutely have to. Taco Bell's still cheap. Some things outlast this economy, I suppose. I'm thankful that shitty fauxican food is doing just that. When I'm with him, I question things in myself. Maybe he keeps my morals and self-preservationist ideas in check. Maybe I'm a sounding board for him. He's one of my persons. You know, a person. That person. He's one of them. And I'm thankful. We leave to go on what he calls a mall crawl, a walk around the mall with no retail-related intentions whatsoever. In my retail rat days, we called them malkers. Mall walkers smashed together. Usually, they were old people with no surviving relatives, no prevailing hobbies, and no shame for whatever they were wearing. In our case, we were former idealists and current pessimists with no goal in mind but to kill time and talk shit. Essentially, college students.

After dropping him off, I head back North, admiring the downtown view from the freeway loop like I usually do. This time, I'm bound to pick up Kaci and Chelsie. I'm not in the greatest mood. In fact, when stupid shit happens, I just revert to the sour-faced sarcastic bitter 90's kid I was raised to be. Fast food, trivial insults, and back downtown for a movie that we ended up not seeing, the night was setting in fast. Back North to a larger theater where spoiled Northland kids decked in Hollister whorefits from head to toe ran amuck while their burnt out career-obsessed hardly-involved possible alcoholic parents lazed about their California split-level homes worrying about shit they don't need. Sherlock Holmes is an awesome movie.

The snow kept falling, like God was itching his ever-aging head a' hair and the flakes of dandruff were piling all around us. Let's go get Kaci's boyfraan, but first, let's drop off Chelsie to an empty high school parking lot in the snow. Kaci turns into a righteous bitch when she's tired, and it just pisses me off. But I've learned to live with it. Drummond, Sparkman, let's go. We've got shit to do. Not really. But it's fun to pretend. We drop off Kaci so she can pass out accordingly, and it's off to downtown once more. Three times in one day, not anything out of the usual. We spent about four hours there, meeting random strangers and becoming friends. I played piano and sang to get the day's frustrations out, and driving home, I felt alot better. Basically, shit happens. Whatever. People are gonna screw you over, but don't let it get you down or whatever the writers from Chicken Soup for the Emo Sadomasochistic's Soul write. Your friends will be there. Don't let things cloud your vision. And in the face of near total misanthropy, anything can be solved with a soy vanilla latte.

Sick.

2010-01-19T14:16:00.002-06:00

This is the third time I've been sick this winter. Either the environment in which I perpetuate myself within isn't entirely healthy, or I'm just cursed. I'm going to go with cursed. It sounds more interesting and melodramatic. I had a face-raping case of the flu back in the fall, a head cold before Christmas, and now another head cold a month later. Shit. I can't walk without my head feeling as if an angry eighties freeze-frame dancer is about to bust out of my skull, leg warmers and all. As cool as the image sounds, the feeling would be quite unpleasant. I hate winter and the illness it brings, to both my sinuses and the environment around me. The trees seem sick, and so does pretty much everything else. I miss summer's rainstorms and warm, breezy nights. I miss short sleeves. But not being embarrassed to wear them. Anywho, I suppose I should guzzle down some more Theraflu, or make myself some herbal tea. Or fall apart into a snotty ball of self-pity on the germ-infested couch I so humbly call home. Either way, I'll end up gaining weight from it somehow.

Floorplan

2009-08-11T00:54:00.000-05:00

I proceeded to purchase textbooks for college today. A friend of mine says that I'll die in class due to the destructive overload of influential knowledge I'll be bombarded with. I'm looking forward to it. I've heard I don't know what I'm in for. Good. I like surprises. A week of innocence left, I suppose. Like an ominous dark presence says to a pre-pubescent girl, "Oh yes. There will be blood."

I'm gonna be like 84% of the American population and bitch about me being a lazy slob of a fat person, yet not do a damn thing to change it. Sounds like a plan. I'm determined to eat a meal a day (far from any thriving cost, mind you.) and walk often. I mean, I'll be traipsing about campus all damn day, so some things are bound to give. I'm thinking it'll be one of my vertebrae.

I've become a preacher.. kinda. More or less a minister of happiness. Which is mostly ironic due to my convenient lack of said specialty. Friends of mine suffering from the single life discuss with me the perils they face and fears they're burdened with. I empathize and generate the necessary compassion, but that creepy voice that visits the back of everyone's mind whispers, 'They don't know just how good they have it.'.

Straight to the point, I hate me sometimes. Much more than the government requires me to. Proceed to me receiving an outstanding citizen award. Thank you all, this means so much to me.

I'm gonna go ahead and hit the futon. I've got crap to engrave in the morning.. in about seven hours. Oh corporate world, where are you now?

I Offer No Sympathy For This

2009-08-08T23:56:00.000-05:00

The mistakes someone makes tells you alot about that person. I'm talking about deep personal flaws, not about ordering garlic nachos on date night. That's just nasty. When they keep searching for the wrong people and repeating the same monotonous cycle of meaningless self-hatred and the lovely ability to opt out of personal happiness, well.. I'm just saying it gets really old after a while. Especially when you're the fool that keeps begging them to make the choice (your selfish choice) to see the person in front of you as something better than a buoy to cling to. It's not one-sided at all, really. It's the flaws of both that make this situation disastrous for your emotional health. One is impulsive and ignorant while the other is a doormat waiting to be looked down upon.

The thing is, what if that's all the doormat knows. The tattered rug knows no other purpose than to be tread upon without appreciation and second thought. If the shred of carpet is found to be gone one day, it is easily replaced and the old one forgotten. So, rather than be completely obsolete, the good ole' welcome mat will take whatever it needs to feel needed. Tell you what, there's gotta be a sense of humor involved. When you feel your face beneath someone's feet, you just have to laugh.

Two fools, running parallel to each other. One looks onward past the road and hopes for the best. The other hopes the first will remember to keep him by his side.

Ressurection of Communication n' Such

2009-08-05T02:30:00.001-05:00

The fact that I haven't posted in so long is a testament to my forgetful mindset. I guess it's easier said than done, keeping up with things like these. Remembering, that is. Take your vitamins, wash your face, update your blog, up-sell at work so corporate will acknowledge your existence. All these lovely details hold, of course, complete priority over breathing. And that's okay.

I start college in a couple weeks. Paint me excited. Like most post-nineties, lost somewhere between indie and hippie classification, hyper misfits, I'm pretty kinda stoked. Far from any one thriving emotion, mind you. It wouldn't be totally awesome with a twist of philosophy or mystery or whatever the hell these kids today consider hip if I was purely excited. However, if I was dreading it, why go in the first place. Find a balance, people. Be merrily bleak so everyone else feels better about (insert life's shit here). I am a people pleaser, after all.

Shopping for school crap sucks. Yes, these are things I am just finding out. Yes, I am aware that you've probably been there, but I implore you, let me bitch anyway. At least they have book buyback at the end of the year. Remind me not to let some angry freshman rat borrow my books for anything. I refuse. The academic side doesn't really bother me that much, it's the look-good-for-something-better-than-high-school-because-you-haven't-been-in-any-sorta-school-in-nearly-two-years kinda thing. Tell me I'm pretty shut up I don't wanna know. See? Alot goin' on here. Shopping's fun, but my quirky refusal to try on the clothes I deem worthy of purchase only to find they don't fit right or something kinda sucks. I realize the stupidity in this course of action and I choose not to do anything about it.

And, like the angst-ridden Jake you evidently see in early posts, I also have jack-shit going on in the relationship world. I hope college opens up new doors. I'm sick of turning locked knobs.

I finally put my room back together after more than a year of cluttered vacancy and couch potato living. I did the best I could making it my own kinda thing, but it'll do for now. A few more wall hangings wouldn't hurt. Some say it makes the place seem alot smaller, plastering the drywall with paintings and such. I agree, but positively; it gives me beautiful boundaries in which the little world I tuck myself away becomes a slightly more colorful one. I often daydream about my future living situations, past the dorms and college parties of the school I go to after this. The idea of a loft high into the lights of downtown brings a smile to my face. I will have wooden floors, a white ceiling, and earth tones. Hues of olive green, midnight blue, and raw sienna. Nothing vibrant and loud, but on the contrary; deep with echoes, so that when you peer into the room, it glances back deeply.

I can't wait to paint shit up sometimes. And I want an overhead shower, with water falling straight down. Let me feel as if I'm bathing in rain. I belong in a converted warehouse deep in the garment district.

To be continued, I'm sure. For now, I've gotta hit the futon. Lake of the Ozarks vacation in the morning. Three hour drive into the heart of the hillbilly nation. I know, I'm excited too.

Take It. Run With It. Can You Feel It?

2008-11-22T19:26:00.000-06:00

Some days, it's all too easy to just drop what I can and let it go, and just drive. Nowhere certain, just drive. Other days, I feel as if I could never leave, like I'm surrounded by obligations and loose ends that must be tied up and put away nice and neat. Only then can I feel free, but as always, there's just a few more things to do.

I kinda don't really care anymore. Mean? Maybe. Selfish? Sorta. True? Definitely.

The thing is, I want something to stay for. Friends are perfect, though. Friends are something I'll never find anywhere but where I leave them, and that's the way it should be. What I'm waiting for is something solid. Something semi-rational and with more than just a heartbeat. Something just.. there. I hate it when I know that it's in front of my face, but I can't feel it. Can't savor it. Can't do anything but guess and/or let it go. Either way, I don't want to do anything about it. If it's there, than there will it stay until the course changes and it's put into effect. If it's not, well..

..it makes me sorta foolish to think that something's present when there's in fact, nothing here at all, is there?

Spontaneous

2008-09-03T10:33:00.000-05:00

I love rainy days like today, where it's chilly and breezy. Perfect lullaby for an afternoon nap.

Piano, singing, and writing is my therapy.

I love music, obviously.. minus rap and alot of country. Meh.

I pretty much love any genre of food, but my faves are Italian, Chinese, and Mexican.

I loved to think that I could make a stoplight turn green when I was little.

I harmonize with the music that's playing when I drive alone.

I want "Come Away With Me" and "Don't Know Why" by Norah Jones played at my wedding.

I'm fascinated with the weather, not just the science, but the experience. The many variables of wind, along with the feel of it coursing through my hair.. the electrifying sensation of lightning along with the surrounding crashes of thunder.. the boiling clouds and the scent of the rain.. it's just incredible.

Call me lame, but money doesn't matter. It could be just me, him, and a blanket under the stars for all I care. It's the person, always.

If there's one thing I won't discuss with family, it's religion and politics.. okay, two things. But with friends, it's on.

The first thing I notice in someone is their eyes, followed by their voice.

When meeting someone, I'm usually quite shy at first. But if for some reason I feel exceedingly comfortable with them, I'll be completely open and boisterous.

I don't like to walk alone if I can help it.

My friends are totally the "peace and pot" kind of people, and though I don't smoke it, I accept it as quite funny and a great opportunity to make fun of them and flash tye-dye shirts at them to freak them out.

I don't ask for much, actually, and I'm more than willing to be a providing kind of person.

I love watermelon-flavored things, but not watermelon.

I burn CD's by the mood I'm in (sad, happy, pissed, etc.)

I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and I'm not embarrassed by my capabilities to do so. Just because some people bottle it up and hide it in some dark, scary place, doesn't mean I have to.

Though I may seem quite confident outwardly, inside, I'm quite self-conscious, especially about my weight. It's my weakness.

I love nightlife in the city, as well as a night in the country.

I love going home to Kansas, where rolling hills and golden wheat are endless.. but I love coming back home to Kansas City, where skyscrapers, Worlds of Fun, and that big antenna thingy dominate the skyline.

I love water. Swimming is awesome, and I'm kinda good at it.

I'm the poster child for ADHD, as my friends say. I embrace it.

Bigotry, insensitivity, and rudeness will most likely make me hate a person.

Most jokes that I make are in closed company, and they're better off that way.. haha.

Anyone that has a wide sense of humor is awesome in my book.

Serious conversation intrigues me, and I love to partake in them.

Ending a sentence in a preposition while writing bugs the hell outta me, but while speaking, I rarely pick up on it.

I love starting books. That's right, starting them, because I have the attention span of a field mouse, so finishing them is just outta the question.

I'm mildly allergic to stingy insects.. so back off with the waspy-ness.

I'm not a record, don't play me. If there's anything I hate in this world, it's being lied to.

I love hugs.

I hate my curly hair. Straightening it is a must.

I love oreos and/or ginger snaps with milk. Comfort treats. ^^

I love the sound of wind whistling through trees.

Lilacs are my favorite flowers, along with lavenders and wildflowers.

Every day is an occasion to celebrate. When you're with friends and family, why not?

Days Go By

2008-06-11T10:27:00.000-05:00

So it's been a bit since I've posted anything, and I apologize for that. Life's been blecgh, to say the least. I feel as if I'm a bit stuck, really, and there aren't many places to go. I've finally got a car, that is a major relief, trust me. I'm in my GED classes, and according to my pre-test scores (you take the actual GED test twice, first before classes to determine placement in lessons, and lastly to actually obtain your GED), I passed this thing with flying colors. My best subjects were Language Arts/Reading/Writing (duh), and Social Studies, followed by Science and Math. So yeah, I'm basically screwing around in class now until the time comes for me to take the test again.. don't get me wrong, I'm still taking lessons on things I need to improve, but I'm just not that into it like a few others are, so that's been my highlight these past few days.

As far as life outside of academics goes, it's not entirely pleasant. I'm still sleeping on the couch at my mom's place, waiting for that glorious eighteenth birthday to come around (getting down to two months, baby!!) so I can get the hell outta there.. don't get me wrong, it's not my mom, it's the other residents, namely my brother. The thing that really frustrates me the most is that when it's good, and there's no tension, I don't mind it at all, I actually almost find it.. enjoyable. When it's bad, I can't help but jump to thoughts of escape, running again like I always do, except I have nowhere to run to this time, so it's gonna have to come down to a decision. I just hope the good comes through so it doesn't have to come to that.

Okay, onto something a little less intense: the love life. Well, it's still the same, nothing new and shiny to see here. Just a barren wasteland of regrets, alcohol, missed opportunities, and cigarettes. It's not easy, but I'm living it. Still waiting for that person to come ambling out of the mist, if you will. So, I'm exceedingly tired, and I'm finding it hard to keep my eyes open.. I need food. Food's good. Lunch in half an hour.

Speed of Sound

2008-05-28T01:16:00.000-05:00

Perhaps it was the distress of the days where I longed for so much that kept my vitality strong... where I had held such high hopes for success, love, fortune, and happiness in general. I searched tirelessly for a car, pined for Carlton in secret, proweled for job opportunities, and planned my academic future.

Now, I start prep courses in two weeks, I am soon to be the proud owner of a '96 Toyota Corolla, I told Carlton how I felt (and was rejected in the process, but I strangely feel okay/good about it), have been guaranteed a job downtown, and have acquired the resources to plan my college strategies. Things have been looking pretty high recently, and I feel that things can only get a bit better soon.

The next few weeks feel promising, what with the oh-so-near summer vacation where the availability of alot of my friends becomes quite expanded, my new car, Diploma Prep courses, and Pride next weekend (where Calvin and Andy met.. hoping for the same luck), I'm actually feeling pretty steady and full of confidence.

I like this. Here's hopin' it's here to stay.

Crushcrushcrush

2008-05-22T23:32:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the non-existence for a while, I've totally been spacing. So, some of you might be happy to hear that my life is turning around (kinda). I'm getting *knocks on wood* a car tomorrow (a sweet fully-loaded '98 Honda Accord!), and I'm starting GED classes in two weeks. As far as the job thing, I'm literally guaranteed a spot at CVS with my friend Kristyn in mid-june, which is perfect because that's when classes end.. I can work full-time and save up for practically everything I need. I'm not sure about future plans right now, as far as an apartment and college. I know for fact that college is totally a perogative, I've got to have that for my ultimate goal: owning my own restaurant. I dunno, mom's offering free rent to live here if I wanna go to college around here, which isn't a bad idea. Unlike most people when it comes to their parents, I absolutely adore my mother, and would be completely gone without her.

As far as my personal life, well, family's doing.. okay. Not great by any means, but it's beggining to get bearable. I'm not planning on making it a habit to keep attached to the idea of a real family, but my sister, sister-in-law, and mother are forever with me. Now, onto that lovely little thing called a love life.. yeah, nothing great and shiny there. Basically, the guy I've been interested in might as well be a brick wall, because it's certainly like talking to one.. besides, that brick wall is already fraternizing with some shiny new adobe, so an old crumbly terrace like me stands no chance. I'm trying my best to move on, and I'm doing kinda okay.

I can tell you this much, I've certainly come a long way when it comes to self-confidence and courage. Life's too short to be shy and bashful all the friggin' time. I've actually had the balls to be proud of myself a few times.. a milestone, really. So, yeah.. I feel pretty good for now.

Entrapment

2008-05-10T13:24:00.000-05:00

The storm is drawing ever closer. Tensions mount and attitudes rise, and all I can do is close my eyes in this static silence, waiting for lightning to strike. I need to get a damn car so I can be away from here constantly, either at a job or elsewhere. I need to not be trapped in this tin prison, waiting for the lights to go out and the creatures to creep into my cell, inching closer and closer with each passing minute, as the drone of voices screaming at me from all directions closes in.. wait.

I don't understand how it all came to be, like this "family" collapsed into this wretched pile of rubble and we're desperately clabbering about amongst the cinders attempting to find and rebuild what we've lost. I somehow knew this was going to happen, it started with Rachel's exile, then my brother's, and somehow the tables have turned, the glass is broken, and I cast myself out of this weakened realm before any more damage corrodes what's left of it's structural integrity. The problem is, I'm blinded by this harsh sun in this barren wasteland that's beyond the broken realm.

What choice do I have.

The Taking

2008-05-05T21:07:00.001-05:00

I want out of this wretched place of condemnation.

I never wanted to come home, not to this. Not to this house of false refuge, not to this home of supressed terror and fear. I am in fear of my life.. especially after the events that caused my leave in the first place. I feel as if I have returned to salvage my belongings in a village that was destroyed by a violent volcanic blast, and I am reluctantly rebuilding.. this is all I have. And now..

Now I'm waiting in fear once more of an impending eruption. I barely escaped last time.. who's to say how (or if) I'll escape this time. Waiting for the pyroclastic surge.. waiting for asphyxiation, axsanguination, obliteration.. and I'm just standing here, biding my time.

Tick-tock.

As soon as I get my car, I wish to be gone.. haha, where? Where the hell will I stay? Where will I go, with no place to land, and nothing to turn back to? Who will save me if I can't save myself? And finally, what will become of me? Tomorrow isn't guaranteed, people. Nothing in this world is.

Not even a next breath.

Nowhere Warm

2008-05-05T10:44:00.000-05:00

I do so much to keep my head above water, yet there are splinters of seconds that exist where I just want to go under and stop struggling. I can't help it, no more than I can't help pushing those who might even possibly love me out of my life. I don't push them in the way that I make them leave.. I push them to make them stay.

And I am so sorry.

Love & Hostility

2008-05-04T22:57:00.000-05:00

..the two will never coexist. There can only be one, and neither can live while the other is present.. at least not with this. Maybe I'm making too big a deal about all this.. that would be the optimist speaking, the usual me. Forever the hopeful, always happy with the grass on his side of the fence, secretly hoping it'd get a bit greener.

If you want to stop me letting go, make a move. This is me saying this here and now.
If you don't even have feelings for me, congratulations. I'm the fool.

If, and maybe if, I can hold out this hopeless optimism for a bit longer, it'd prove worthwhile. What do you think?

Broken Things

2008-05-03T18:55:00.000-05:00

There are so many things I want to say.. so many words left unspoken each time we draw the conversation to a close. They haunt my mind, creeping in dreamily as I ponder the possibilities. It's enough to make me smile, but enough to worry me with negativity and doubt. Fear.. rejection and abandoment, the two demons I have yet to find a way to exorcise.

Call me lame, but it's nothing new, this fear, this reckless caring. Call me old-fashioned, if you want, but I'm still waiting for that call.. haha, don't get me wrong, I'm not completely wrapped up in my own hopeless romantic fantasies to the point of where I'm totally detached from reality, don't you worry.. every time I've dared to dream, something bursts my bubble and I crash back with a thud of spite and a thwap of regret.. so I've learned my lesson. God, what's keeping me?! Shouldn't I be doing something?

Fear.

It's always been the restraint.

Come 'Round Soon

2008-04-30T22:27:00.001-05:00

"One too many drinks tonight, and I miss you.. like you were mine."
Sara Bareilles - "Come 'Round Soon"

So fucking frustrated. So damn forgotten. I can't stand the uproar caused by own afflictions. This thunderstorm that is my life sometimes.. I can only seek refuge for so long. Am I so pathetic that I stand under a cloud of my own rain, begging for a glance? Ah, fuck this. You know something - I am too friggin' good to do this to myself.. (and right after I say this, the usual guilt that creeps up abruptly for feeling good about or standing up for myself is right there, like clockwork.).

Dear God, is this how it's gonna be? I'm gonna be wrapped up in this hateful realm of spite for the rest of my days, tearing up at the memories of rejection and abandonment?

So bitter.

I'm not gonna do this again.

Shine

2008-04-29T09:12:00.000-05:00

I'm gonna plant a pine tree today.. :P

Today, I managed to wake up on the right side of the couch, and I guess I'm a bit more bouncy than usual. I don't know why, and usually, when I'm happy, something horrid happens later on in the day to make me feel guilty about being happy.. but, until that happens, I will jam to good, bouncy songs, and possibly dance while no one is home.

And I've got a pine tree to plant.

A Stranger

2008-04-28T13:36:00.000-05:00

I've decided I'm gonna quit driving for a while. No, not actually driving, don't get me wrong, I mean, I'm gonna give up the wheel of the life and let the car drift with the wind.. only for a little while. I've realized that I have no more control over the things in my life than a leaf on a breeze. I'm not gonna be completely reclusive, nor am I going to be a hermit either, but as far as wasting nights awake wondering what I'm going to have to face in the upcoming days, weeks, months.. whatever. I can only choose what lane to drive in, not who I stop at a light with, who decides to pass me, or whoever might blindside me and knock me into a ravine. It's out of my hands, really. And you know something? I'm content. I'm okay with this. I'm still me, just.. chill.

I beleive it's time for a smoke.

Open Your Eyes

2008-04-25T11:31:00.000-05:00

I can recall a day where I was assisting my mom at her store at the mall, and, like usual, I helped out customers when I could. I saw customers approaching, and I greeted them with the usual salesman's smile, and they inquired about any sales or clearance items. I directed them to the clearance section after reviewing any sales or opportunities for money saving we might have. I continued my work, and I looked up occasionally to see if I could offer any assistance..

The two people had wandered to the clearance section, and had been admiring an old frame. They picked it up, looked it over, and lost the ambitious expression on their faces. They sat the frame down, and eventually drifted away. Out of curiosity, I checked the clearance section, and I picked up the frame as they did. As I looked it over, I noticed a few scratches, maybe a small blemish or tarnish in the silver, and a small dent on the bottom right side.. but the rest of the frame was just fine. There was nothing actually wrong with the frame, it still served as a photo frame.. and I couldn't understand why those people wouldn't acknowledge this. I couldn't grasp the reason as to why they didn't accept this object's few flaws and realize it's overall potential.. but they didn't. They sent it back to it's dusty hearth, and walked away.

Recently, this is all I've been feeling, when I've been able to feel. I'm damaged, I'm flawed, I'm.. nothing new. Of course this is pitiful, people, what fucking choice of feeling do I have left to feel?!?! Jesus, there's not one God-damned reason on God's green earth why those people shouldn't have taken that frame.. somebody should. As a wise and obviously more intelligent young man said, "You never want anyone to look past your flaws. You want them to accept them, and love you for them." Well, of course, that young man didn't give me a snowball's chance in hell, but you know something, at least he said something worthwhile.

There have been strings of potentials, where I've tried my best to polish myself up, hide the damage, and hope for the best, but they've all decided they can find better, and you know what? Maybe they can. I was once told I was nothing more than a part of a curse of meaningless guys that pleas and begs for a chance, and has nothing special to offer. I was no different than a beggar, a hopeless vagabond pleading for love and warmth. And recently, I thought I had finally caught a break, where I didn't have to be ashamed of myself, or make myself look worthwhile.. but what happened? Yep, you guessed it: not good enough. Just a friend. Just a confidant. Just a dreamer. Just another hopeful, waiting for an absolution that would never come.

So I'm back on the mantel, gathering dust and age, losing what polish I have left.

Still waiting for grace.

How We Operate

2008-04-24T13:20:00.000-05:00

I'm going to rant about things I've learned so far, things that really matter, and things that we don't even know are there.. but they are, each and every single day.

Some friends may come and go, but it's important to realize who those angels in disguise are, as they will stick with you and watch over you throughout your life. If you're not ready to forgive, that's okay.. as long as you eventually do so, for if we are not going to forgive, we will not be forgiven. We all have our days when we choose to either cook a nice dinner for family, or curl up in a ball and cry.. it's important to give those feelings attention, but never let either consume you, for it will become all you know. Your family cares about you, no matter how sick, twisted, verbose, and downright horrid they seem.. they'll be with you for as long as it takes, and even afterwards. Treasure your bonds with your parents, because you will never have anyone like them again.. a mother and her children are indestructible.

Wear sunscreen if you know you're gonna be outside for a long-ass time.. even if you claim you "tan and never burn". Never chase vodka with beer, they both taste horrible combined. Just because you have a bottle of Tropicana and some Smirnoff doesn't mean you're gonna make an expert screwdriver.. real screwdrivers have no pulp. Be grateful for having a bit of acne right now, this just means that your skin knows how to moisturize.. and don't listen to the kids that tease you because they have no acne, it's scientifically proven that they will develop wrinkles ten to fifteen years before you do. Remember that high school drama is completely useless, and those bitches and jocks that rule the school with have no vital skills to use to their advantage out in the real world.. cheerleaders get fat, and jocks tear ligaments and get old, and some of the them will probably work for you, if all goes well.

Don't worry so much about the future and what you'll end up doing for the rest of your life. If it takes some time to figure out what you're gonna do, go for it, so long as you don't live in your parent's basement late into your twenties. Don't break people's hearts, and don't put up with people that break yours. Maybe you'll find your true love when you've hit rock bottom at forty-two, or maybe they're right in front of you.. either way, seize the chance when it comes. Don't read model magazines, they only make you feel ugly and bad about yourself.. if you do read them, remember that it's nothing but airbrushing, and most of those models are already dead inside.

Be frugal with your money. You don't need a $1000 a month house when you can do just as well in a $400 a month apartment. Don't splurge, and don't go to the grocery store hungry.. you'll end up buying everything in the store. Get most of your furniture from relatives or thrift stores, but get your mattress brand friggin' new. Don't waste your time with jealousy, some will have more, and some will have less.. but remember: it fluctuates. That being said, don't brag and show off.. it'll come back to bite you in the ass. Savor the compliments you get, and forget the insults (if you succeed in doing this, please let me know).

Flaunt the innocence you have, you'll miss it when it's gone. You will look back at photos of you when you were the age you are now, and say "To know then what I know now.." and if you're like me, you'll say "..and to still have those thighs." (they're buried in there somewhere..). Take all the advice you can get, but consider it before putting it into action. Listen well to those with wisdom, even though it pisses you off when they always make it seem like they're guilt-tripping you. Beware those who tell you life is made of silver, gold, and diamonds. Life sucks alot of time, and those that say different are selling something. Savor the days with friends and family, and always remember the laughter.

But remember the vodka thing.. you'll be glad you did.

Save Me

2008-04-21T14:31:00.000-05:00

I feel teen summer angst coming on.

There are days when I awaken to the humid summer sun staring at me, orange eyes flaring. I roll off the couch I fell asleep on during the previous night, and greet the day with a pepsi in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I look in the mirror, and I see the shreds of the adult I wish to become falling away every day. I bandage them up and try again.

We're adults now. When did this happen? And how the hell do we make it stop?

It's a bittersweet realization, to know that your easy way of living was but an illusion. Bitter because this is what you're used to, this is what you are.. yet this realization is an epihpany due to the fact that you can start living, really living. You've been sheltered for so long, now, all of the sudden, you're free. Don't get me wrong, it's scary as hell. I've been faced with wondering where you're going to sleep tonight, where you're on the road with no place to go or turn back to.. it ain't like the movies, kid. But enough of this the-world-is-so-bitter-somebody-gimme-a-smoke kinda thing.. I've got to focus.

Oh look, something shiny.

In The Rough

2008-04-20T22:41:00.000-05:00

So, once again, I have stumbled over my feet, and I'm on the ground, tattered and dirty, questioning my sanity and my ability to deserve. I know it sounds like I've been throwing a bit of a pity party lately.. I don't know, maybe I have been. The point is, I need.. reassurance. I need a good smack on the head to let me know that it's okay to get off my ass and not fear getting pushed back down. Does this make me selfish? See? There I go again. Dear God, have I learned nothing.. sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own malconfidence, I don't know what else to think.

Of course, the hopeless romantic I am, I always hope that there will be some tender heart to rescue me from the abyss, with a gentle hand to my chin to lift me up and into their somber eyes.. yeah, here I go again.. lovestruck with idea of love. Don't get me wrong, it's hardly an obsession.. it's just that, I don't know what to think when it comes to love, I mean, it's been such a vague and obscure world. If you know me, I have to have everything figured out before I can feel secure with it.. if I don't, well.. you can guess the rest. Sometimes I just can't deal with the fact that not everything is logical.. and don't be mistaken, I'm not high-strung or something like that, if you know me, you know that I'm exactly the opposite. It's just that, when there's nothing but the bare essentials there, there's got to be a visible blueprint I can see so that I know how it works. I'm wierd like that.

Maybe someday I will find out how this works, and I can be comfortable with the damn emotion for once.. but that day has yet to come, and I'm still fumbling through the misty woods blindfolded for now. Eh.. I could use a cigarette.

Bottle It Up

2008-04-17T22:38:00.000-05:00

Alright, I'm gonna rant. Too late to change my mind, so don't bother trying.

I'll be damned, sometimes I feel so.. hopeless. I speak of none other than the realm of relationships, of course. Apparently, I think about love more than the "normal" person should.. being normal is vastly overrated, anyways. There are so many different forms of love in the world. I'm not speaking about the unconditional love of family and friends, that, we'll always have. I'm talking about the love we all search for, and only the lucky few seem to find; the 50/50 love, I call it, where both partners love each other.. almost too much, really. This type of love seems to be the only good kind.. because all the rest end in tragedy.

There's the kind where one loves the other, but the other is "too kind" to let the other down. Please, really dear, just break their heart and move on. Then there are those coniving sons-of-bitches that use and abuse, love and leave.. I think somebody's life isn't normal until they've had the displeasure of experiencing this at least once. Along with this love, there's the "love" that doesn't even deserve that title.. I speak of the useless losers who think with the wrong head and could care less about your feelings. I've encountered many of these, and I've been fooled by every single one of them. I never thought I'd feel like such a pitiful whore, but Lord, have I been proven wrong. I've been convinced that there's hardly a soul out there that really cares, that really wants to love and be loved.. it's sad, really. Then there is the lost love, where one's love is lost due to tragedy or trauma.. or due to their own shortcomings.. this kind of love never fails to bring a pitiful tear to my eye.

Then there's the love I seem to be quite the expert in, the "blind spot" love, I jokingly call it. This, of course, is the kind where I try and try, and no matter what I do, they never even see me. Most goopy, mushy love stories are about those lucky kinds of people who fall in love with each other.. but in the real world, what really happens to the rest of us? What about these sad and miserable oafs who fall in love.. alone? They are nobody's loved ones, they are the unloved, the uncarressed, the unheard, the unknown.. like a wounded, abandoned animal, they hover in their hovels, awaiting rescue that would never come. As Kate Winslet's character from "The Holiday" would say, the handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!

Honestly, it doesn't matter what or who I surround myself with, I am the aformentioned description, down to the core. There's not a Valentine's Day that doesn't go by with my head hitting the pillow after a few rounds of smokes, tears, and vodka. Dear God, I am such a basket-case, no wonder no one wants to pick me up and carry me away.. would you? No, don't answer that. Augh, I need a cigarette.

Alright, I'm done ranting. You may go home now. Thanks for coming, I'll be here all week.

The Trick Is To Keep Breathing

2008-04-17T17:11:00.001-05:00

Dammit.

Well, my trip went straight to hell along with my car.. I'm singing along to some good songs, and I hear the rattling that's been going on for a couple months get reeeeeeeeally loud, and when I accelerate to get past a slow semi, *SNAP, SHATTER, BOOM* and smoke starts streaming from my car. Frantic, I pull over to the side of the road, call mom, call a tow, and eventually get home, thinking it's either my lifter, a broken rod, or a shattered cylinder, which basically means I need a new car. Honestly, seriously, this better be one of those one-door-closes-another-one-opens kinda things. Dammit, though. I was looking forward to today with such vigor and optimisim, and BAM, it goes down in a few smoky seconds.

I even went and got a haircut. Seriously, if you knew me, you'd know I HATE haircuts. I know they're necessary, but damn, seriously... seriously!! AAAAAUGH!! Why couldn't this happen after I got back from Tulsa/OKC?!?! God $#&% IT!

Ugh.. I'm gonna go emo off in a dark corner somewhere.. and smoke a cigarette.

Many The Miles

2008-04-16T18:04:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow, around nine or ten in the morning, I'll be hitting the road, bound for Tulsa/Oklahoma City. I'll be there for about a week, and I'm so looking forward to it.. for more than one reason. So, tonight, I'll be downing a few sleeping pills (Lord knows I won't be able to sleep) and heading to a warm, welcoming.. couch. Then, at the crack a' dawn, I'll be up and ready to leave. Gotta pack tonight, though. Burn a few road trip CD's, buy a fresh pack of smokes, and make sure I have my damn straightener.

Anyways, tomorrow's gonna be really good day. I know it.

Feel It Coming

2008-04-15T23:08:00.000-05:00

At night, I open the windows in the living room and flick on the little fan on the stand next to the couch. What with having windows on both sides of the room, the wind flows freely through, and the slightly humid feel and pungent rain-like smell that accompanies the breeze that wraps around me before returning to the night drifts about, and I smile at the sensation of it all. The curtains gambol and undulate with the texture of the passing draft, and rarely (but not never), I move and dance along with it. My hair flips and waves as I close my eyes and grin with the feel of the gales maneuvering through the meadows and stirring in the thickets by my home. At the sight, some might call me strange, but I neither accept nor deny it. It's who I am, and what I do. Can that be helped? Ha, I think not.

Some days, when there's rest between morning and evening, I drive out to William Jewell College for a bit of self-help. Through the doors of Pillsbury Music Hall, down the stairs to the left, and into a secluded, dark corridor, there are bands of quiet rooms where sleeping instruments await their players, and they greet them wholly and humbly. I select a room where a slumbering piano is gently awakened by the gentle dance of my fingers across the ivory keys, a docile and humble, yey happy greeting to any musician's ears. I sit down, snap a few fingers to get them ready, and I begin the ballet of hands and fingers coursing through the chords. Subtle and soft are the higher notes, accompanied with the deep and proud thunder of the low notes, neither overpowering the other, unless in solo. I can close my eyes and let my fingers do the seeing, as I am confident enough to trust my ears and hands to guide me through the chords.

Other times, I drive out to the country and course through twisted roads and winding avenues lined with strapping cottonwoods and fragrant pines. Music ebbs from the speakers within the car, and I huff on a cigarette as I concentrate on the next curve, the next bend, the next adventure I'll face on the next day. Tomorrow. Next week. Next year.

Next breath.

Who's coming along for the journey?

Update: I'm Alive

2008-04-15T20:29:00.000-05:00

In reference to my previous entry, my brother and I are mending things as of now. It's going to take time, but in that time, my family will fall back into place. It took one word to set him off, one punch to self-destruct, a few more hits to tear a brotherhood apart, harsh and spiteful words to rip a son away from his mother, and a practical miracle to bring me back.

But that's just it.. I'm back.

Following Misery's Lead

2008-04-15T10:09:00.000-05:00

So, I've managed to crawl back home to be heartily welcomed by my mother.. she couldn't be more thrilled. I'm off to Oklahoma tomorrow or Thursday, depending on when my sister and her fiance get some things settled or not. I know I'm going there, it's just the date that's sketchy. What with my trip to Oklahoma City delayed, so is my side-trip to Tulsa.. unfortunately. Eh.. I've got a few cigarettes.. I'm good for now. Today's the day I attempt to put a small bandage that is the broken leg of my family. I have relinquished bonds with my brother, and honestly, I don't know if I want them back. Once I eject somebody from my life, I usually find a way to do without them. Of course, this has it's exeptions, but for the moment, the rule stands unbroken. I don't break it for my father.. I don't even bend it. I've lived seventeen years of my life without the man, I'm sure I'll be fine.

As sad as that is, it's true. Hell, I don't even lose sleep. I live with the fact that he left us. He sought independence, I provided that for him. In the end, we all got what we wanted, I guess. But enough of this bleeding heart, nobody-knows-the-trouble-i've-seen-somebody-pour-me-a-drink-and-light-me-a-cigarette kinda thing.. I've got bigger issues to worry about. I'm thinkin' about callin' on Jesus again, like I usually do when it comes time to rise above this broken way of life I lead. Sometimes that's the only thing that gets me by, knowing that there's something to depend on. Now, don't turn away yet, I'm not goin' all preachy on ya'll.. if you know me, you know I never even voluntarilly go to church. This is what I was raised with, and I'm not afraid to claim it. Anyways, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and the road back is laid with humility. Pride covers a multitude of sins, people. Remember that.

Sooner or later, everybody's bill comes due.

How's It Gonna Be

2008-04-14T01:53:00.000-05:00

Okay, I stole my own blog virginity, but someone had to do it. ^^ Anyways, I hope a certain someone *cough* Carlton *cough* is just thrilled about the re-birth of my McBlogging.. I know I am. Okay, but in all seriousness, anyone that knows me is well aware of the fact that I write.. alot. And when I do write, I tend to scatter the pieces between Facebook notes and MySpace blogs, and some of them are dispersed randomly amongst the four corners of the internet.. somewhere. So now, I guess I have a place to tack up my bitchings, as well as the few and far between profound things I tend to dream up. So, I welcome you whole heartedly.

Okay, onto business. The financial aspects in my life are, well, let's face it, non-existent. I'm still waiting for a lovely allotment to wet my whistle before I go all McJobby. I mean, I could easily go scrounging for a job as of now, but I have some things to take care of before hand. I have a fabulous trek to Oklahoma City to make soon, and a highly anticipated side-trip to Tulsa, but all this is to come when I get the aforementioned allotment. I dunno, I have alot of things to take care of here soon.

Of course, the family.. well, I'm on speaking terms with my mom, and it's going pretty smoothly. I'd say I'm more recovered with her than anybody at the moment. As far as my brother.. it's too soon to say anything when it comes to him. He needs to come to some serious realizations and experience some drastic epiphanies before I can let him back into my life. I'm not sure whether it's a question of forgiveness, or if it's pertaining to the whole damn family's attitude towards me. They refuse to this day to let it into their minds that I'm not this sad, dependent child anymore. Jeremy seems to be a lead instigator when it comes to that matter. I'm so ready to leave here, I can hardly wait for September.

Okay, on a lighter note (not really).. guy troubles. Okay, so I've finally classified myself, really. I am and seemingly forever will be an unloveable person. Some God-forsaken curse has been placed on me that makes it that love leads me to dead ends or remote possibilities. I fail at every attempt to cling to hope, and it's getting just that: hopeless. Lord, no matter how many shots of Jeiger, no matter how many packs of Frosts I go through, no matter how many friends I surround myself with, my head hits the pillow at night followed with the painful *thwap* of regret and misery. If there's any time to just sit here and Emo all day, it's now. I dunno, love (or anything near the damn emotion) has drained all hope and optimism from me. The days are different, I cling to a glimmer of hope one day, where I'm in love with love, and there are days where I can't take anymore, and I just need a drive to forget it all. Still waiting for that proverbial knight-in-shining-whatever, I guess.

So, witches and days gone by as I nuke a bowl of Ramen noodles, and I have come to realize that tomorrow, the sun will rise.. and I will hopefully do the same.