Speed of Sound

Perhaps it was the distress of the days where I longed for so much that kept my vitality strong... where I had held such high hopes for success, love, fortune, and happiness in general. I searched tirelessly for a car, pined for Carlton in secret, proweled for job opportunities, and planned my academic future.

Now, I start prep courses in two weeks, I am soon to be the proud owner of a '96 Toyota Corolla, I told Carlton how I felt (and was rejected in the process, but I strangely feel okay/good about it), have been guaranteed a job downtown, and have acquired the resources to plan my college strategies. Things have been looking pretty high recently, and I feel that things can only get a bit better soon.

The next few weeks feel promising, what with the oh-so-near summer vacation where the availability of alot of my friends becomes quite expanded, my new car, Diploma Prep courses, and Pride next weekend (where Calvin and Andy met.. hoping for the same luck), I'm actually feeling pretty steady and full of confidence.

I like this. Here's hopin' it's here to stay.

Crushcrushcrush

Sorry for the non-existence for a while, I've totally been spacing. So, some of you might be happy to hear that my life is turning around (kinda). I'm getting *knocks on wood* a car tomorrow (a sweet fully-loaded '98 Honda Accord!), and I'm starting GED classes in two weeks. As far as the job thing, I'm literally guaranteed a spot at CVS with my friend Kristyn in mid-june, which is perfect because that's when classes end.. I can work full-time and save up for practically everything I need. I'm not sure about future plans right now, as far as an apartment and college. I know for fact that college is totally a perogative, I've got to have that for my ultimate goal: owning my own restaurant. I dunno, mom's offering free rent to live here if I wanna go to college around here, which isn't a bad idea. Unlike most people when it comes to their parents, I absolutely adore my mother, and would be completely gone without her.

As far as my personal life, well, family's doing.. okay. Not great by any means, but it's beggining to get bearable. I'm not planning on making it a habit to keep attached to the idea of a real family, but my sister, sister-in-law, and mother are forever with me. Now, onto that lovely little thing called a love life.. yeah, nothing great and shiny there. Basically, the guy I've been interested in might as well be a brick wall, because it's certainly like talking to one.. besides, that brick wall is already fraternizing with some shiny new adobe, so an old crumbly terrace like me stands no chance. I'm trying my best to move on, and I'm doing kinda okay.

I can tell you this much, I've certainly come a long way when it comes to self-confidence and courage. Life's too short to be shy and bashful all the friggin' time. I've actually had the balls to be proud of myself a few times.. a milestone, really. So, yeah.. I feel pretty good for now.

Entrapment

The storm is drawing ever closer. Tensions mount and attitudes rise, and all I can do is close my eyes in this static silence, waiting for lightning to strike. I need to get a damn car so I can be away from here constantly, either at a job or elsewhere. I need to not be trapped in this tin prison, waiting for the lights to go out and the creatures to creep into my cell, inching closer and closer with each passing minute, as the drone of voices screaming at me from all directions closes in.. wait.

I don't understand how it all came to be, like this "family" collapsed into this wretched pile of rubble and we're desperately clabbering about amongst the cinders attempting to find and rebuild what we've lost. I somehow knew this was going to happen, it started with Rachel's exile, then my brother's, and somehow the tables have turned, the glass is broken, and I cast myself out of this weakened realm before any more damage corrodes what's left of it's structural integrity. The problem is, I'm blinded by this harsh sun in this barren wasteland that's beyond the broken realm.

What choice do I have.

The Taking

I want out of this wretched place of condemnation.

I never wanted to come home, not to this. Not to this house of false refuge, not to this home of supressed terror and fear. I am in fear of my life.. especially after the events that caused my leave in the first place. I feel as if I have returned to salvage my belongings in a village that was destroyed by a violent volcanic blast, and I am reluctantly rebuilding.. this is all I have. And now..

Now I'm waiting in fear once more of an impending eruption. I barely escaped last time.. who's to say how (or if) I'll escape this time. Waiting for the pyroclastic surge.. waiting for asphyxiation, axsanguination, obliteration.. and I'm just standing here, biding my time.

Tick-tock.

As soon as I get my car, I wish to be gone.. haha, where? Where the hell will I stay? Where will I go, with no place to land, and nothing to turn back to? Who will save me if I can't save myself? And finally, what will become of me? Tomorrow isn't guaranteed, people. Nothing in this world is.

Not even a next breath.

Nowhere Warm

I do so much to keep my head above water, yet there are splinters of seconds that exist where I just want to go under and stop struggling. I can't help it, no more than I can't help pushing those who might even possibly love me out of my life. I don't push them in the way that I make them leave.. I push them to make them stay.

And I am so sorry.

Love & Hostility

..the two will never coexist. There can only be one, and neither can live while the other is present.. at least not with this. Maybe I'm making too big a deal about all this.. that would be the optimist speaking, the usual me. Forever the hopeful, always happy with the grass on his side of the fence, secretly hoping it'd get a bit greener.

If you want to stop me letting go, make a move. This is me saying this here and now.
If you don't even have feelings for me, congratulations. I'm the fool.

If, and maybe if, I can hold out this hopeless optimism for a bit longer, it'd prove worthwhile. What do you think?

Broken Things

There are so many things I want to say.. so many words left unspoken each time we draw the conversation to a close. They haunt my mind, creeping in dreamily as I ponder the possibilities. It's enough to make me smile, but enough to worry me with negativity and doubt. Fear.. rejection and abandoment, the two demons I have yet to find a way to exorcise.

Call me lame, but it's nothing new, this fear, this reckless caring. Call me old-fashioned, if you want, but I'm still waiting for that call.. haha, don't get me wrong, I'm not completely wrapped up in my own hopeless romantic fantasies to the point of where I'm totally detached from reality, don't you worry.. every time I've dared to dream, something bursts my bubble and I crash back with a thud of spite and a thwap of regret.. so I've learned my lesson. God, what's keeping me?! Shouldn't I be doing something?

Fear.

It's always been the restraint.