"One too many drinks tonight, and I miss you.. like you were mine."
Sara Bareilles - "Come 'Round Soon"
So fucking frustrated. So damn forgotten. I can't stand the uproar caused by own afflictions. This thunderstorm that is my life sometimes.. I can only seek refuge for so long. Am I so pathetic that I stand under a cloud of my own rain, begging for a glance? Ah, fuck this. You know something - I am too friggin' good to do this to myself.. (and right after I say this, the usual guilt that creeps up abruptly for feeling good about or standing up for myself is right there, like clockwork.).
Dear God, is this how it's gonna be? I'm gonna be wrapped up in this hateful realm of spite for the rest of my days, tearing up at the memories of rejection and abandonment?
So bitter.
I'm not gonna do this again.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Shine
I'm gonna plant a pine tree today.. :P
Today, I managed to wake up on the right side of the couch, and I guess I'm a bit more bouncy than usual. I don't know why, and usually, when I'm happy, something horrid happens later on in the day to make me feel guilty about being happy.. but, until that happens, I will jam to good, bouncy songs, and possibly dance while no one is home.
And I've got a pine tree to plant.
Today, I managed to wake up on the right side of the couch, and I guess I'm a bit more bouncy than usual. I don't know why, and usually, when I'm happy, something horrid happens later on in the day to make me feel guilty about being happy.. but, until that happens, I will jam to good, bouncy songs, and possibly dance while no one is home.
And I've got a pine tree to plant.
Monday, April 28, 2008
A Stranger
I've decided I'm gonna quit driving for a while. No, not actually driving, don't get me wrong, I mean, I'm gonna give up the wheel of the life and let the car drift with the wind.. only for a little while. I've realized that I have no more control over the things in my life than a leaf on a breeze. I'm not gonna be completely reclusive, nor am I going to be a hermit either, but as far as wasting nights awake wondering what I'm going to have to face in the upcoming days, weeks, months.. whatever. I can only choose what lane to drive in, not who I stop at a light with, who decides to pass me, or whoever might blindside me and knock me into a ravine. It's out of my hands, really. And you know something? I'm content. I'm okay with this. I'm still me, just.. chill.
I beleive it's time for a smoke.
I beleive it's time for a smoke.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Open Your Eyes
I can recall a day where I was assisting my mom at her store at the mall, and, like usual, I helped out customers when I could. I saw customers approaching, and I greeted them with the usual salesman's smile, and they inquired about any sales or clearance items. I directed them to the clearance section after reviewing any sales or opportunities for money saving we might have. I continued my work, and I looked up occasionally to see if I could offer any assistance..
The two people had wandered to the clearance section, and had been admiring an old frame. They picked it up, looked it over, and lost the ambitious expression on their faces. They sat the frame down, and eventually drifted away. Out of curiosity, I checked the clearance section, and I picked up the frame as they did. As I looked it over, I noticed a few scratches, maybe a small blemish or tarnish in the silver, and a small dent on the bottom right side.. but the rest of the frame was just fine. There was nothing actually wrong with the frame, it still served as a photo frame.. and I couldn't understand why those people wouldn't acknowledge this. I couldn't grasp the reason as to why they didn't accept this object's few flaws and realize it's overall potential.. but they didn't. They sent it back to it's dusty hearth, and walked away.
Recently, this is all I've been feeling, when I've been able to feel. I'm damaged, I'm flawed, I'm.. nothing new. Of course this is pitiful, people, what fucking choice of feeling do I have left to feel?!?! Jesus, there's not one God-damned reason on God's green earth why those people shouldn't have taken that frame.. somebody should. As a wise and obviously more intelligent young man said, "You never want anyone to look past your flaws. You want them to accept them, and love you for them." Well, of course, that young man didn't give me a snowball's chance in hell, but you know something, at least he said something worthwhile.
There have been strings of potentials, where I've tried my best to polish myself up, hide the damage, and hope for the best, but they've all decided they can find better, and you know what? Maybe they can. I was once told I was nothing more than a part of a curse of meaningless guys that pleas and begs for a chance, and has nothing special to offer. I was no different than a beggar, a hopeless vagabond pleading for love and warmth. And recently, I thought I had finally caught a break, where I didn't have to be ashamed of myself, or make myself look worthwhile.. but what happened? Yep, you guessed it: not good enough. Just a friend. Just a confidant. Just a dreamer. Just another hopeful, waiting for an absolution that would never come.
So I'm back on the mantel, gathering dust and age, losing what polish I have left.
Still waiting for grace.
The two people had wandered to the clearance section, and had been admiring an old frame. They picked it up, looked it over, and lost the ambitious expression on their faces. They sat the frame down, and eventually drifted away. Out of curiosity, I checked the clearance section, and I picked up the frame as they did. As I looked it over, I noticed a few scratches, maybe a small blemish or tarnish in the silver, and a small dent on the bottom right side.. but the rest of the frame was just fine. There was nothing actually wrong with the frame, it still served as a photo frame.. and I couldn't understand why those people wouldn't acknowledge this. I couldn't grasp the reason as to why they didn't accept this object's few flaws and realize it's overall potential.. but they didn't. They sent it back to it's dusty hearth, and walked away.
Recently, this is all I've been feeling, when I've been able to feel. I'm damaged, I'm flawed, I'm.. nothing new. Of course this is pitiful, people, what fucking choice of feeling do I have left to feel?!?! Jesus, there's not one God-damned reason on God's green earth why those people shouldn't have taken that frame.. somebody should. As a wise and obviously more intelligent young man said, "You never want anyone to look past your flaws. You want them to accept them, and love you for them." Well, of course, that young man didn't give me a snowball's chance in hell, but you know something, at least he said something worthwhile.
There have been strings of potentials, where I've tried my best to polish myself up, hide the damage, and hope for the best, but they've all decided they can find better, and you know what? Maybe they can. I was once told I was nothing more than a part of a curse of meaningless guys that pleas and begs for a chance, and has nothing special to offer. I was no different than a beggar, a hopeless vagabond pleading for love and warmth. And recently, I thought I had finally caught a break, where I didn't have to be ashamed of myself, or make myself look worthwhile.. but what happened? Yep, you guessed it: not good enough. Just a friend. Just a confidant. Just a dreamer. Just another hopeful, waiting for an absolution that would never come.
So I'm back on the mantel, gathering dust and age, losing what polish I have left.
Still waiting for grace.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
How We Operate
I'm going to rant about things I've learned so far, things that really matter, and things that we don't even know are there.. but they are, each and every single day.
Some friends may come and go, but it's important to realize who those angels in disguise are, as they will stick with you and watch over you throughout your life. If you're not ready to forgive, that's okay.. as long as you eventually do so, for if we are not going to forgive, we will not be forgiven. We all have our days when we choose to either cook a nice dinner for family, or curl up in a ball and cry.. it's important to give those feelings attention, but never let either consume you, for it will become all you know. Your family cares about you, no matter how sick, twisted, verbose, and downright horrid they seem.. they'll be with you for as long as it takes, and even afterwards. Treasure your bonds with your parents, because you will never have anyone like them again.. a mother and her children are indestructible.
Wear sunscreen if you know you're gonna be outside for a long-ass time.. even if you claim you "tan and never burn". Never chase vodka with beer, they both taste horrible combined. Just because you have a bottle of Tropicana and some Smirnoff doesn't mean you're gonna make an expert screwdriver.. real screwdrivers have no pulp. Be grateful for having a bit of acne right now, this just means that your skin knows how to moisturize.. and don't listen to the kids that tease you because they have no acne, it's scientifically proven that they will develop wrinkles ten to fifteen years before you do. Remember that high school drama is completely useless, and those bitches and jocks that rule the school with have no vital skills to use to their advantage out in the real world.. cheerleaders get fat, and jocks tear ligaments and get old, and some of the them will probably work for you, if all goes well.
Don't worry so much about the future and what you'll end up doing for the rest of your life. If it takes some time to figure out what you're gonna do, go for it, so long as you don't live in your parent's basement late into your twenties. Don't break people's hearts, and don't put up with people that break yours. Maybe you'll find your true love when you've hit rock bottom at forty-two, or maybe they're right in front of you.. either way, seize the chance when it comes. Don't read model magazines, they only make you feel ugly and bad about yourself.. if you do read them, remember that it's nothing but airbrushing, and most of those models are already dead inside.
Be frugal with your money. You don't need a $1000 a month house when you can do just as well in a $400 a month apartment. Don't splurge, and don't go to the grocery store hungry.. you'll end up buying everything in the store. Get most of your furniture from relatives or thrift stores, but get your mattress brand friggin' new. Don't waste your time with jealousy, some will have more, and some will have less.. but remember: it fluctuates. That being said, don't brag and show off.. it'll come back to bite you in the ass. Savor the compliments you get, and forget the insults (if you succeed in doing this, please let me know).
Flaunt the innocence you have, you'll miss it when it's gone. You will look back at photos of you when you were the age you are now, and say "To know then what I know now.." and if you're like me, you'll say "..and to still have those thighs." (they're buried in there somewhere..). Take all the advice you can get, but consider it before putting it into action. Listen well to those with wisdom, even though it pisses you off when they always make it seem like they're guilt-tripping you. Beware those who tell you life is made of silver, gold, and diamonds. Life sucks alot of time, and those that say different are selling something. Savor the days with friends and family, and always remember the laughter.
But remember the vodka thing.. you'll be glad you did.
Some friends may come and go, but it's important to realize who those angels in disguise are, as they will stick with you and watch over you throughout your life. If you're not ready to forgive, that's okay.. as long as you eventually do so, for if we are not going to forgive, we will not be forgiven. We all have our days when we choose to either cook a nice dinner for family, or curl up in a ball and cry.. it's important to give those feelings attention, but never let either consume you, for it will become all you know. Your family cares about you, no matter how sick, twisted, verbose, and downright horrid they seem.. they'll be with you for as long as it takes, and even afterwards. Treasure your bonds with your parents, because you will never have anyone like them again.. a mother and her children are indestructible.
Wear sunscreen if you know you're gonna be outside for a long-ass time.. even if you claim you "tan and never burn". Never chase vodka with beer, they both taste horrible combined. Just because you have a bottle of Tropicana and some Smirnoff doesn't mean you're gonna make an expert screwdriver.. real screwdrivers have no pulp. Be grateful for having a bit of acne right now, this just means that your skin knows how to moisturize.. and don't listen to the kids that tease you because they have no acne, it's scientifically proven that they will develop wrinkles ten to fifteen years before you do. Remember that high school drama is completely useless, and those bitches and jocks that rule the school with have no vital skills to use to their advantage out in the real world.. cheerleaders get fat, and jocks tear ligaments and get old, and some of the them will probably work for you, if all goes well.
Don't worry so much about the future and what you'll end up doing for the rest of your life. If it takes some time to figure out what you're gonna do, go for it, so long as you don't live in your parent's basement late into your twenties. Don't break people's hearts, and don't put up with people that break yours. Maybe you'll find your true love when you've hit rock bottom at forty-two, or maybe they're right in front of you.. either way, seize the chance when it comes. Don't read model magazines, they only make you feel ugly and bad about yourself.. if you do read them, remember that it's nothing but airbrushing, and most of those models are already dead inside.
Be frugal with your money. You don't need a $1000 a month house when you can do just as well in a $400 a month apartment. Don't splurge, and don't go to the grocery store hungry.. you'll end up buying everything in the store. Get most of your furniture from relatives or thrift stores, but get your mattress brand friggin' new. Don't waste your time with jealousy, some will have more, and some will have less.. but remember: it fluctuates. That being said, don't brag and show off.. it'll come back to bite you in the ass. Savor the compliments you get, and forget the insults (if you succeed in doing this, please let me know).
Flaunt the innocence you have, you'll miss it when it's gone. You will look back at photos of you when you were the age you are now, and say "To know then what I know now.." and if you're like me, you'll say "..and to still have those thighs." (they're buried in there somewhere..). Take all the advice you can get, but consider it before putting it into action. Listen well to those with wisdom, even though it pisses you off when they always make it seem like they're guilt-tripping you. Beware those who tell you life is made of silver, gold, and diamonds. Life sucks alot of time, and those that say different are selling something. Savor the days with friends and family, and always remember the laughter.
But remember the vodka thing.. you'll be glad you did.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Save Me
I feel teen summer angst coming on.
There are days when I awaken to the humid summer sun staring at me, orange eyes flaring. I roll off the couch I fell asleep on during the previous night, and greet the day with a pepsi in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I look in the mirror, and I see the shreds of the adult I wish to become falling away every day. I bandage them up and try again.
We're adults now. When did this happen? And how the hell do we make it stop?
It's a bittersweet realization, to know that your easy way of living was but an illusion. Bitter because this is what you're used to, this is what you are.. yet this realization is an epihpany due to the fact that you can start living, really living. You've been sheltered for so long, now, all of the sudden, you're free. Don't get me wrong, it's scary as hell. I've been faced with wondering where you're going to sleep tonight, where you're on the road with no place to go or turn back to.. it ain't like the movies, kid. But enough of this the-world-is-so-bitter-somebody-gimme-a-smoke kinda thing.. I've got to focus.
Oh look, something shiny.
There are days when I awaken to the humid summer sun staring at me, orange eyes flaring. I roll off the couch I fell asleep on during the previous night, and greet the day with a pepsi in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I look in the mirror, and I see the shreds of the adult I wish to become falling away every day. I bandage them up and try again.
We're adults now. When did this happen? And how the hell do we make it stop?
It's a bittersweet realization, to know that your easy way of living was but an illusion. Bitter because this is what you're used to, this is what you are.. yet this realization is an epihpany due to the fact that you can start living, really living. You've been sheltered for so long, now, all of the sudden, you're free. Don't get me wrong, it's scary as hell. I've been faced with wondering where you're going to sleep tonight, where you're on the road with no place to go or turn back to.. it ain't like the movies, kid. But enough of this the-world-is-so-bitter-somebody-gimme-a-smoke kinda thing.. I've got to focus.
Oh look, something shiny.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
In The Rough
So, once again, I have stumbled over my feet, and I'm on the ground, tattered and dirty, questioning my sanity and my ability to deserve. I know it sounds like I've been throwing a bit of a pity party lately.. I don't know, maybe I have been. The point is, I need.. reassurance. I need a good smack on the head to let me know that it's okay to get off my ass and not fear getting pushed back down. Does this make me selfish? See? There I go again. Dear God, have I learned nothing.. sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own malconfidence, I don't know what else to think.
Of course, the hopeless romantic I am, I always hope that there will be some tender heart to rescue me from the abyss, with a gentle hand to my chin to lift me up and into their somber eyes.. yeah, here I go again.. lovestruck with idea of love. Don't get me wrong, it's hardly an obsession.. it's just that, I don't know what to think when it comes to love, I mean, it's been such a vague and obscure world. If you know me, I have to have everything figured out before I can feel secure with it.. if I don't, well.. you can guess the rest. Sometimes I just can't deal with the fact that not everything is logical.. and don't be mistaken, I'm not high-strung or something like that, if you know me, you know that I'm exactly the opposite. It's just that, when there's nothing but the bare essentials there, there's got to be a visible blueprint I can see so that I know how it works. I'm wierd like that.
Maybe someday I will find out how this works, and I can be comfortable with the damn emotion for once.. but that day has yet to come, and I'm still fumbling through the misty woods blindfolded for now. Eh.. I could use a cigarette.
Of course, the hopeless romantic I am, I always hope that there will be some tender heart to rescue me from the abyss, with a gentle hand to my chin to lift me up and into their somber eyes.. yeah, here I go again.. lovestruck with idea of love. Don't get me wrong, it's hardly an obsession.. it's just that, I don't know what to think when it comes to love, I mean, it's been such a vague and obscure world. If you know me, I have to have everything figured out before I can feel secure with it.. if I don't, well.. you can guess the rest. Sometimes I just can't deal with the fact that not everything is logical.. and don't be mistaken, I'm not high-strung or something like that, if you know me, you know that I'm exactly the opposite. It's just that, when there's nothing but the bare essentials there, there's got to be a visible blueprint I can see so that I know how it works. I'm wierd like that.
Maybe someday I will find out how this works, and I can be comfortable with the damn emotion for once.. but that day has yet to come, and I'm still fumbling through the misty woods blindfolded for now. Eh.. I could use a cigarette.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Bottle It Up
Alright, I'm gonna rant. Too late to change my mind, so don't bother trying.
I'll be damned, sometimes I feel so.. hopeless. I speak of none other than the realm of relationships, of course. Apparently, I think about love more than the "normal" person should.. being normal is vastly overrated, anyways. There are so many different forms of love in the world. I'm not speaking about the unconditional love of family and friends, that, we'll always have. I'm talking about the love we all search for, and only the lucky few seem to find; the 50/50 love, I call it, where both partners love each other.. almost too much, really. This type of love seems to be the only good kind.. because all the rest end in tragedy.
There's the kind where one loves the other, but the other is "too kind" to let the other down. Please, really dear, just break their heart and move on. Then there are those coniving sons-of-bitches that use and abuse, love and leave.. I think somebody's life isn't normal until they've had the displeasure of experiencing this at least once. Along with this love, there's the "love" that doesn't even deserve that title.. I speak of the useless losers who think with the wrong head and could care less about your feelings. I've encountered many of these, and I've been fooled by every single one of them. I never thought I'd feel like such a pitiful whore, but Lord, have I been proven wrong. I've been convinced that there's hardly a soul out there that really cares, that really wants to love and be loved.. it's sad, really. Then there is the lost love, where one's love is lost due to tragedy or trauma.. or due to their own shortcomings.. this kind of love never fails to bring a pitiful tear to my eye.
Then there's the love I seem to be quite the expert in, the "blind spot" love, I jokingly call it. This, of course, is the kind where I try and try, and no matter what I do, they never even see me. Most goopy, mushy love stories are about those lucky kinds of people who fall in love with each other.. but in the real world, what really happens to the rest of us? What about these sad and miserable oafs who fall in love.. alone? They are nobody's loved ones, they are the unloved, the uncarressed, the unheard, the unknown.. like a wounded, abandoned animal, they hover in their hovels, awaiting rescue that would never come. As Kate Winslet's character from "The Holiday" would say, the handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!
Honestly, it doesn't matter what or who I surround myself with, I am the aformentioned description, down to the core. There's not a Valentine's Day that doesn't go by with my head hitting the pillow after a few rounds of smokes, tears, and vodka. Dear God, I am such a basket-case, no wonder no one wants to pick me up and carry me away.. would you? No, don't answer that. Augh, I need a cigarette.
Alright, I'm done ranting. You may go home now. Thanks for coming, I'll be here all week.
I'll be damned, sometimes I feel so.. hopeless. I speak of none other than the realm of relationships, of course. Apparently, I think about love more than the "normal" person should.. being normal is vastly overrated, anyways. There are so many different forms of love in the world. I'm not speaking about the unconditional love of family and friends, that, we'll always have. I'm talking about the love we all search for, and only the lucky few seem to find; the 50/50 love, I call it, where both partners love each other.. almost too much, really. This type of love seems to be the only good kind.. because all the rest end in tragedy.
There's the kind where one loves the other, but the other is "too kind" to let the other down. Please, really dear, just break their heart and move on. Then there are those coniving sons-of-bitches that use and abuse, love and leave.. I think somebody's life isn't normal until they've had the displeasure of experiencing this at least once. Along with this love, there's the "love" that doesn't even deserve that title.. I speak of the useless losers who think with the wrong head and could care less about your feelings. I've encountered many of these, and I've been fooled by every single one of them. I never thought I'd feel like such a pitiful whore, but Lord, have I been proven wrong. I've been convinced that there's hardly a soul out there that really cares, that really wants to love and be loved.. it's sad, really. Then there is the lost love, where one's love is lost due to tragedy or trauma.. or due to their own shortcomings.. this kind of love never fails to bring a pitiful tear to my eye.
Then there's the love I seem to be quite the expert in, the "blind spot" love, I jokingly call it. This, of course, is the kind where I try and try, and no matter what I do, they never even see me. Most goopy, mushy love stories are about those lucky kinds of people who fall in love with each other.. but in the real world, what really happens to the rest of us? What about these sad and miserable oafs who fall in love.. alone? They are nobody's loved ones, they are the unloved, the uncarressed, the unheard, the unknown.. like a wounded, abandoned animal, they hover in their hovels, awaiting rescue that would never come. As Kate Winslet's character from "The Holiday" would say, the handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!
Honestly, it doesn't matter what or who I surround myself with, I am the aformentioned description, down to the core. There's not a Valentine's Day that doesn't go by with my head hitting the pillow after a few rounds of smokes, tears, and vodka. Dear God, I am such a basket-case, no wonder no one wants to pick me up and carry me away.. would you? No, don't answer that. Augh, I need a cigarette.
Alright, I'm done ranting. You may go home now. Thanks for coming, I'll be here all week.
The Trick Is To Keep Breathing
Dammit.
Well, my trip went straight to hell along with my car.. I'm singing along to some good songs, and I hear the rattling that's been going on for a couple months get reeeeeeeeally loud, and when I accelerate to get past a slow semi, *SNAP, SHATTER, BOOM* and smoke starts streaming from my car. Frantic, I pull over to the side of the road, call mom, call a tow, and eventually get home, thinking it's either my lifter, a broken rod, or a shattered cylinder, which basically means I need a new car. Honestly, seriously, this better be one of those one-door-closes-another-one-opens kinda things. Dammit, though. I was looking forward to today with such vigor and optimisim, and BAM, it goes down in a few smoky seconds.
I even went and got a haircut. Seriously, if you knew me, you'd know I HATE haircuts. I know they're necessary, but damn, seriously... seriously!! AAAAAUGH!! Why couldn't this happen after I got back from Tulsa/OKC?!?! God $#&% IT!
Ugh.. I'm gonna go emo off in a dark corner somewhere.. and smoke a cigarette.
Well, my trip went straight to hell along with my car.. I'm singing along to some good songs, and I hear the rattling that's been going on for a couple months get reeeeeeeeally loud, and when I accelerate to get past a slow semi, *SNAP, SHATTER, BOOM* and smoke starts streaming from my car. Frantic, I pull over to the side of the road, call mom, call a tow, and eventually get home, thinking it's either my lifter, a broken rod, or a shattered cylinder, which basically means I need a new car. Honestly, seriously, this better be one of those one-door-closes-another-one-opens kinda things. Dammit, though. I was looking forward to today with such vigor and optimisim, and BAM, it goes down in a few smoky seconds.
I even went and got a haircut. Seriously, if you knew me, you'd know I HATE haircuts. I know they're necessary, but damn, seriously... seriously!! AAAAAUGH!! Why couldn't this happen after I got back from Tulsa/OKC?!?! God $#&% IT!
Ugh.. I'm gonna go emo off in a dark corner somewhere.. and smoke a cigarette.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Many The Miles
Tomorrow, around nine or ten in the morning, I'll be hitting the road, bound for Tulsa/Oklahoma City. I'll be there for about a week, and I'm so looking forward to it.. for more than one reason. So, tonight, I'll be downing a few sleeping pills (Lord knows I won't be able to sleep) and heading to a warm, welcoming.. couch. Then, at the crack a' dawn, I'll be up and ready to leave. Gotta pack tonight, though. Burn a few road trip CD's, buy a fresh pack of smokes, and make sure I have my damn straightener.
Anyways, tomorrow's gonna be really good day. I know it.
Anyways, tomorrow's gonna be really good day. I know it.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Feel It Coming
At night, I open the windows in the living room and flick on the little fan on the stand next to the couch. What with having windows on both sides of the room, the wind flows freely through, and the slightly humid feel and pungent rain-like smell that accompanies the breeze that wraps around me before returning to the night drifts about, and I smile at the sensation of it all. The curtains gambol and undulate with the texture of the passing draft, and rarely (but not never), I move and dance along with it. My hair flips and waves as I close my eyes and grin with the feel of the gales maneuvering through the meadows and stirring in the thickets by my home. At the sight, some might call me strange, but I neither accept nor deny it. It's who I am, and what I do. Can that be helped? Ha, I think not.
Some days, when there's rest between morning and evening, I drive out to William Jewell College for a bit of self-help. Through the doors of Pillsbury Music Hall, down the stairs to the left, and into a secluded, dark corridor, there are bands of quiet rooms where sleeping instruments await their players, and they greet them wholly and humbly. I select a room where a slumbering piano is gently awakened by the gentle dance of my fingers across the ivory keys, a docile and humble, yey happy greeting to any musician's ears. I sit down, snap a few fingers to get them ready, and I begin the ballet of hands and fingers coursing through the chords. Subtle and soft are the higher notes, accompanied with the deep and proud thunder of the low notes, neither overpowering the other, unless in solo. I can close my eyes and let my fingers do the seeing, as I am confident enough to trust my ears and hands to guide me through the chords.
Other times, I drive out to the country and course through twisted roads and winding avenues lined with strapping cottonwoods and fragrant pines. Music ebbs from the speakers within the car, and I huff on a cigarette as I concentrate on the next curve, the next bend, the next adventure I'll face on the next day. Tomorrow. Next week. Next year.
Next breath.
Who's coming along for the journey?
Some days, when there's rest between morning and evening, I drive out to William Jewell College for a bit of self-help. Through the doors of Pillsbury Music Hall, down the stairs to the left, and into a secluded, dark corridor, there are bands of quiet rooms where sleeping instruments await their players, and they greet them wholly and humbly. I select a room where a slumbering piano is gently awakened by the gentle dance of my fingers across the ivory keys, a docile and humble, yey happy greeting to any musician's ears. I sit down, snap a few fingers to get them ready, and I begin the ballet of hands and fingers coursing through the chords. Subtle and soft are the higher notes, accompanied with the deep and proud thunder of the low notes, neither overpowering the other, unless in solo. I can close my eyes and let my fingers do the seeing, as I am confident enough to trust my ears and hands to guide me through the chords.
Other times, I drive out to the country and course through twisted roads and winding avenues lined with strapping cottonwoods and fragrant pines. Music ebbs from the speakers within the car, and I huff on a cigarette as I concentrate on the next curve, the next bend, the next adventure I'll face on the next day. Tomorrow. Next week. Next year.
Next breath.
Who's coming along for the journey?
Update: I'm Alive
In reference to my previous entry, my brother and I are mending things as of now. It's going to take time, but in that time, my family will fall back into place. It took one word to set him off, one punch to self-destruct, a few more hits to tear a brotherhood apart, harsh and spiteful words to rip a son away from his mother, and a practical miracle to bring me back.
But that's just it.. I'm back.
But that's just it.. I'm back.
Following Misery's Lead
So, I've managed to crawl back home to be heartily welcomed by my mother.. she couldn't be more thrilled. I'm off to Oklahoma tomorrow or Thursday, depending on when my sister and her fiance get some things settled or not. I know I'm going there, it's just the date that's sketchy. What with my trip to Oklahoma City delayed, so is my side-trip to Tulsa.. unfortunately. Eh.. I've got a few cigarettes.. I'm good for now. Today's the day I attempt to put a small bandage that is the broken leg of my family. I have relinquished bonds with my brother, and honestly, I don't know if I want them back. Once I eject somebody from my life, I usually find a way to do without them. Of course, this has it's exeptions, but for the moment, the rule stands unbroken. I don't break it for my father.. I don't even bend it. I've lived seventeen years of my life without the man, I'm sure I'll be fine.
As sad as that is, it's true. Hell, I don't even lose sleep. I live with the fact that he left us. He sought independence, I provided that for him. In the end, we all got what we wanted, I guess. But enough of this bleeding heart, nobody-knows-the-trouble-i've-seen-somebody-pour-me-a-drink-and-light-me-a-cigarette kinda thing.. I've got bigger issues to worry about. I'm thinkin' about callin' on Jesus again, like I usually do when it comes time to rise above this broken way of life I lead. Sometimes that's the only thing that gets me by, knowing that there's something to depend on. Now, don't turn away yet, I'm not goin' all preachy on ya'll.. if you know me, you know I never even voluntarilly go to church. This is what I was raised with, and I'm not afraid to claim it. Anyways, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and the road back is laid with humility. Pride covers a multitude of sins, people. Remember that.
Sooner or later, everybody's bill comes due.
As sad as that is, it's true. Hell, I don't even lose sleep. I live with the fact that he left us. He sought independence, I provided that for him. In the end, we all got what we wanted, I guess. But enough of this bleeding heart, nobody-knows-the-trouble-i've-seen-somebody-pour-me-a-drink-and-light-me-a-cigarette kinda thing.. I've got bigger issues to worry about. I'm thinkin' about callin' on Jesus again, like I usually do when it comes time to rise above this broken way of life I lead. Sometimes that's the only thing that gets me by, knowing that there's something to depend on. Now, don't turn away yet, I'm not goin' all preachy on ya'll.. if you know me, you know I never even voluntarilly go to church. This is what I was raised with, and I'm not afraid to claim it. Anyways, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and the road back is laid with humility. Pride covers a multitude of sins, people. Remember that.
Sooner or later, everybody's bill comes due.
Monday, April 14, 2008
How's It Gonna Be
Okay, I stole my own blog virginity, but someone had to do it. ^^ Anyways, I hope a certain someone *cough* Carlton *cough* is just thrilled about the re-birth of my McBlogging.. I know I am. Okay, but in all seriousness, anyone that knows me is well aware of the fact that I write.. alot. And when I do write, I tend to scatter the pieces between Facebook notes and MySpace blogs, and some of them are dispersed randomly amongst the four corners of the internet.. somewhere. So now, I guess I have a place to tack up my bitchings, as well as the few and far between profound things I tend to dream up. So, I welcome you whole heartedly.
Okay, onto business. The financial aspects in my life are, well, let's face it, non-existent. I'm still waiting for a lovely allotment to wet my whistle before I go all McJobby. I mean, I could easily go scrounging for a job as of now, but I have some things to take care of before hand. I have a fabulous trek to Oklahoma City to make soon, and a highly anticipated side-trip to Tulsa, but all this is to come when I get the aforementioned allotment. I dunno, I have alot of things to take care of here soon.
Of course, the family.. well, I'm on speaking terms with my mom, and it's going pretty smoothly. I'd say I'm more recovered with her than anybody at the moment. As far as my brother.. it's too soon to say anything when it comes to him. He needs to come to some serious realizations and experience some drastic epiphanies before I can let him back into my life. I'm not sure whether it's a question of forgiveness, or if it's pertaining to the whole damn family's attitude towards me. They refuse to this day to let it into their minds that I'm not this sad, dependent child anymore. Jeremy seems to be a lead instigator when it comes to that matter. I'm so ready to leave here, I can hardly wait for September.
Okay, on a lighter note (not really).. guy troubles. Okay, so I've finally classified myself, really. I am and seemingly forever will be an unloveable person. Some God-forsaken curse has been placed on me that makes it that love leads me to dead ends or remote possibilities. I fail at every attempt to cling to hope, and it's getting just that: hopeless. Lord, no matter how many shots of Jeiger, no matter how many packs of Frosts I go through, no matter how many friends I surround myself with, my head hits the pillow at night followed with the painful *thwap* of regret and misery. If there's any time to just sit here and Emo all day, it's now. I dunno, love (or anything near the damn emotion) has drained all hope and optimism from me. The days are different, I cling to a glimmer of hope one day, where I'm in love with love, and there are days where I can't take anymore, and I just need a drive to forget it all. Still waiting for that proverbial knight-in-shining-whatever, I guess.
So, witches and days gone by as I nuke a bowl of Ramen noodles, and I have come to realize that tomorrow, the sun will rise.. and I will hopefully do the same.
Okay, onto business. The financial aspects in my life are, well, let's face it, non-existent. I'm still waiting for a lovely allotment to wet my whistle before I go all McJobby. I mean, I could easily go scrounging for a job as of now, but I have some things to take care of before hand. I have a fabulous trek to Oklahoma City to make soon, and a highly anticipated side-trip to Tulsa, but all this is to come when I get the aforementioned allotment. I dunno, I have alot of things to take care of here soon.
Of course, the family.. well, I'm on speaking terms with my mom, and it's going pretty smoothly. I'd say I'm more recovered with her than anybody at the moment. As far as my brother.. it's too soon to say anything when it comes to him. He needs to come to some serious realizations and experience some drastic epiphanies before I can let him back into my life. I'm not sure whether it's a question of forgiveness, or if it's pertaining to the whole damn family's attitude towards me. They refuse to this day to let it into their minds that I'm not this sad, dependent child anymore. Jeremy seems to be a lead instigator when it comes to that matter. I'm so ready to leave here, I can hardly wait for September.
Okay, on a lighter note (not really).. guy troubles. Okay, so I've finally classified myself, really. I am and seemingly forever will be an unloveable person. Some God-forsaken curse has been placed on me that makes it that love leads me to dead ends or remote possibilities. I fail at every attempt to cling to hope, and it's getting just that: hopeless. Lord, no matter how many shots of Jeiger, no matter how many packs of Frosts I go through, no matter how many friends I surround myself with, my head hits the pillow at night followed with the painful *thwap* of regret and misery. If there's any time to just sit here and Emo all day, it's now. I dunno, love (or anything near the damn emotion) has drained all hope and optimism from me. The days are different, I cling to a glimmer of hope one day, where I'm in love with love, and there are days where I can't take anymore, and I just need a drive to forget it all. Still waiting for that proverbial knight-in-shining-whatever, I guess.
So, witches and days gone by as I nuke a bowl of Ramen noodles, and I have come to realize that tomorrow, the sun will rise.. and I will hopefully do the same.
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