Take It. Run With It. Can You Feel It?

Some days, it's all too easy to just drop what I can and let it go, and just drive. Nowhere certain, just drive. Other days, I feel as if I could never leave, like I'm surrounded by obligations and loose ends that must be tied up and put away nice and neat. Only then can I feel free, but as always, there's just a few more things to do.

I kinda don't really care anymore. Mean? Maybe. Selfish? Sorta. True? Definitely.

The thing is, I want something to stay for. Friends are perfect, though. Friends are something I'll never find anywhere but where I leave them, and that's the way it should be. What I'm waiting for is something solid. Something semi-rational and with more than just a heartbeat. Something just.. there. I hate it when I know that it's in front of my face, but I can't feel it. Can't savor it. Can't do anything but guess and/or let it go. Either way, I don't want to do anything about it. If it's there, than there will it stay until the course changes and it's put into effect. If it's not, well..

..it makes me sorta foolish to think that something's present when there's in fact, nothing here at all, is there?

Spontaneous

I love rainy days like today, where it's chilly and breezy. Perfect lullaby for an afternoon nap.

Piano, singing, and writing is my therapy.

I love music, obviously.. minus rap and alot of country. Meh.

I pretty much love any genre of food, but my faves are Italian, Chinese, and Mexican.

I loved to think that I could make a stoplight turn green when I was little.

I harmonize with the music that's playing when I drive alone.

I want "Come Away With Me" and "Don't Know Why" by Norah Jones played at my wedding.

I'm fascinated with the weather, not just the science, but the experience. The many variables of wind, along with the feel of it coursing through my hair.. the electrifying sensation of lightning along with the surrounding crashes of thunder.. the boiling clouds and the scent of the rain.. it's just incredible.

Call me lame, but money doesn't matter. It could be just me, him, and a blanket under the stars for all I care. It's the person, always.

If there's one thing I won't discuss with family, it's religion and politics.. okay, two things. But with friends, it's on.

The first thing I notice in someone is their eyes, followed by their voice.

When meeting someone, I'm usually quite shy at first. But if for some reason I feel exceedingly comfortable with them, I'll be completely open and boisterous.

I don't like to walk alone if I can help it.

My friends are totally the "peace and pot" kind of people, and though I don't smoke it, I accept it as quite funny and a great opportunity to make fun of them and flash tye-dye shirts at them to freak them out.

I don't ask for much, actually, and I'm more than willing to be a providing kind of person.

I love watermelon-flavored things, but not watermelon.

I burn CD's by the mood I'm in (sad, happy, pissed, etc.)

I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and I'm not embarrassed by my capabilities to do so. Just because some people bottle it up and hide it in some dark, scary place, doesn't mean I have to.

Though I may seem quite confident outwardly, inside, I'm quite self-conscious, especially about my weight. It's my weakness.

I love nightlife in the city, as well as a night in the country.

I love going home to Kansas, where rolling hills and golden wheat are endless.. but I love coming back home to Kansas City, where skyscrapers, Worlds of Fun, and that big antenna thingy dominate the skyline.

I love water. Swimming is awesome, and I'm kinda good at it.

I'm the poster child for ADHD, as my friends say. I embrace it.

Bigotry, insensitivity, and rudeness will most likely make me hate a person.

Most jokes that I make are in closed company, and they're better off that way.. haha.

Anyone that has a wide sense of humor is awesome in my book.

Serious conversation intrigues me, and I love to partake in them.

Ending a sentence in a preposition while writing bugs the hell outta me, but while speaking, I rarely pick up on it.

I love starting books. That's right, starting them, because I have the attention span of a field mouse, so finishing them is just outta the question.

I'm mildly allergic to stingy insects.. so back off with the waspy-ness.

I'm not a record, don't play me. If there's anything I hate in this world, it's being lied to.

I love hugs.

I hate my curly hair. Straightening it is a must.

I love oreos and/or ginger snaps with milk. Comfort treats. ^^

I love the sound of wind whistling through trees.

Lilacs are my favorite flowers, along with lavenders and wildflowers.

Every day is an occasion to celebrate. When you're with friends and family, why not?

Days Go By

So it's been a bit since I've posted anything, and I apologize for that. Life's been blecgh, to say the least. I feel as if I'm a bit stuck, really, and there aren't many places to go. I've finally got a car, that is a major relief, trust me. I'm in my GED classes, and according to my pre-test scores (you take the actual GED test twice, first before classes to determine placement in lessons, and lastly to actually obtain your GED), I passed this thing with flying colors. My best subjects were Language Arts/Reading/Writing (duh), and Social Studies, followed by Science and Math. So yeah, I'm basically screwing around in class now until the time comes for me to take the test again.. don't get me wrong, I'm still taking lessons on things I need to improve, but I'm just not that into it like a few others are, so that's been my highlight these past few days.

As far as life outside of academics goes, it's not entirely pleasant. I'm still sleeping on the couch at my mom's place, waiting for that glorious eighteenth birthday to come around (getting down to two months, baby!!) so I can get the hell outta there.. don't get me wrong, it's not my mom, it's the other residents, namely my brother. The thing that really frustrates me the most is that when it's good, and there's no tension, I don't mind it at all, I actually almost find it.. enjoyable. When it's bad, I can't help but jump to thoughts of escape, running again like I always do, except I have nowhere to run to this time, so it's gonna have to come down to a decision. I just hope the good comes through so it doesn't have to come to that.

Okay, onto something a little less intense: the love life. Well, it's still the same, nothing new and shiny to see here. Just a barren wasteland of regrets, alcohol, missed opportunities, and cigarettes. It's not easy, but I'm living it. Still waiting for that person to come ambling out of the mist, if you will. So, I'm exceedingly tired, and I'm finding it hard to keep my eyes open.. I need food. Food's good. Lunch in half an hour.

Speed of Sound

Perhaps it was the distress of the days where I longed for so much that kept my vitality strong... where I had held such high hopes for success, love, fortune, and happiness in general. I searched tirelessly for a car, pined for Carlton in secret, proweled for job opportunities, and planned my academic future.

Now, I start prep courses in two weeks, I am soon to be the proud owner of a '96 Toyota Corolla, I told Carlton how I felt (and was rejected in the process, but I strangely feel okay/good about it), have been guaranteed a job downtown, and have acquired the resources to plan my college strategies. Things have been looking pretty high recently, and I feel that things can only get a bit better soon.

The next few weeks feel promising, what with the oh-so-near summer vacation where the availability of alot of my friends becomes quite expanded, my new car, Diploma Prep courses, and Pride next weekend (where Calvin and Andy met.. hoping for the same luck), I'm actually feeling pretty steady and full of confidence.

I like this. Here's hopin' it's here to stay.

Crushcrushcrush

Sorry for the non-existence for a while, I've totally been spacing. So, some of you might be happy to hear that my life is turning around (kinda). I'm getting *knocks on wood* a car tomorrow (a sweet fully-loaded '98 Honda Accord!), and I'm starting GED classes in two weeks. As far as the job thing, I'm literally guaranteed a spot at CVS with my friend Kristyn in mid-june, which is perfect because that's when classes end.. I can work full-time and save up for practically everything I need. I'm not sure about future plans right now, as far as an apartment and college. I know for fact that college is totally a perogative, I've got to have that for my ultimate goal: owning my own restaurant. I dunno, mom's offering free rent to live here if I wanna go to college around here, which isn't a bad idea. Unlike most people when it comes to their parents, I absolutely adore my mother, and would be completely gone without her.

As far as my personal life, well, family's doing.. okay. Not great by any means, but it's beggining to get bearable. I'm not planning on making it a habit to keep attached to the idea of a real family, but my sister, sister-in-law, and mother are forever with me. Now, onto that lovely little thing called a love life.. yeah, nothing great and shiny there. Basically, the guy I've been interested in might as well be a brick wall, because it's certainly like talking to one.. besides, that brick wall is already fraternizing with some shiny new adobe, so an old crumbly terrace like me stands no chance. I'm trying my best to move on, and I'm doing kinda okay.

I can tell you this much, I've certainly come a long way when it comes to self-confidence and courage. Life's too short to be shy and bashful all the friggin' time. I've actually had the balls to be proud of myself a few times.. a milestone, really. So, yeah.. I feel pretty good for now.

Entrapment

The storm is drawing ever closer. Tensions mount and attitudes rise, and all I can do is close my eyes in this static silence, waiting for lightning to strike. I need to get a damn car so I can be away from here constantly, either at a job or elsewhere. I need to not be trapped in this tin prison, waiting for the lights to go out and the creatures to creep into my cell, inching closer and closer with each passing minute, as the drone of voices screaming at me from all directions closes in.. wait.

I don't understand how it all came to be, like this "family" collapsed into this wretched pile of rubble and we're desperately clabbering about amongst the cinders attempting to find and rebuild what we've lost. I somehow knew this was going to happen, it started with Rachel's exile, then my brother's, and somehow the tables have turned, the glass is broken, and I cast myself out of this weakened realm before any more damage corrodes what's left of it's structural integrity. The problem is, I'm blinded by this harsh sun in this barren wasteland that's beyond the broken realm.

What choice do I have.

The Taking

I want out of this wretched place of condemnation.

I never wanted to come home, not to this. Not to this house of false refuge, not to this home of supressed terror and fear. I am in fear of my life.. especially after the events that caused my leave in the first place. I feel as if I have returned to salvage my belongings in a village that was destroyed by a violent volcanic blast, and I am reluctantly rebuilding.. this is all I have. And now..

Now I'm waiting in fear once more of an impending eruption. I barely escaped last time.. who's to say how (or if) I'll escape this time. Waiting for the pyroclastic surge.. waiting for asphyxiation, axsanguination, obliteration.. and I'm just standing here, biding my time.

Tick-tock.

As soon as I get my car, I wish to be gone.. haha, where? Where the hell will I stay? Where will I go, with no place to land, and nothing to turn back to? Who will save me if I can't save myself? And finally, what will become of me? Tomorrow isn't guaranteed, people. Nothing in this world is.

Not even a next breath.